If I could only turn back the hands of time, there is much I would have done differently. Things that I NEVER would have thought of. That seems to be a common thread for parents who have a teen battling an eating disorder. We all have so many lessons we learned.
Parenting a Teen with an Eating Disorder Challenges Your Beliefs
I am in the minority that I actually have a graduate degree in human nutrition. My entire adult life was in the wellness/nutrition field. I thought I knew the warning signs of an eating disorder.
I strived to model being “body positive” and not talk about weight loss / diets. I tried my best to not shame my own body. Funny, how hard that is. And even with all that awareness, there are many things I wish I could have a “do-over” .
Things I Wish I Knew That Can Have a Negative Impact
Here is a list of things I NEVER thought of before entering the world of eating disorders AND I will not hold back to help spread new messages. I invite you to be open minded while reading this. There is ZERO judgment. I did them ALL! Now I know better and hope to raise awareness of how we can “do better”.
Body Comments
No talk of bodies EVER! Even if it’s a compliment. Shining a light on someone’s visual appearance sends a message. For example, “wow, Aunt Sally looks so good”, “that dress is so flattering”, “I don’t like how my butt looks in these pants”. These comments that sound so innocuous and encouraging can send the wrong message. Even with the best intentions. An alternative to discussing what ones body looks like could be “Aunt Sally looks so happy. She is glowing!”
Filters
Filters have become so common on photos that at times when we meet someone in person we do not even recognize them. Who doesn’t want to press a button and smooth out your skin and remove dark circles under your eyes OR alter a body part to make it look “better”. I once heard a ludicrous argument that professional photographers have always used filters so “what’s the issue?” There is a HUGE difference. And those professional photos don’t always look natural (unless you have a kick ass photographer) and it is common knowledge that they are enhanced. It is not the same thing. And whatever you do, do not add a filter to your child’s photo. Imperfections are normal and beautiful. It is part of the human experience.
Before and After Photos
Being in the wellness industry for over a decade, I’m guilty of this. I was under the impression that this was inspiring. And to some it may be. That is OK. Unfortunately, to many I have spoken with, it really signifies that the “before” photo was bad and the “after” or “now” photo is better. This puts the focus on someone’s body. How losing weight, becoming smaller, fitter “looking” or trying to slow aging is BETTER. To a child seeing these images it can send a damaging message. Especially if someone sees the “before” and that image is smaller than their own body. Think about that….. Weight is not an indicator of one’s health so the ONLY point of these images is to show that shrinking your body (or decreasing aging) is better. Let that sink in.
Looks Can Be Deceiving
This is a hidden one. When saying “she/he looks so unhealthy” is placing one’s visual appearance to determine someone’s health. You can NOT access health visually. It’s a false message to teach kids….and adults. In my former career, I use to think it was my job to help people who lived in larger bodies to shrink their bodies in the name of health. It was not only my goal but my mission. Shame on me for thinking that. Health is so much more then what you look like or the number on the scale. Or your BMI!!!
If It Looks Like a Diet, It Is a Diet
Being on ANY type of diet, lifestyle, plan, counting or “cleaning” up one’s diet sends a strong message. (Unless there is a true allergy or medical condition that diet changes are medically proven to be vital ie. celiac) I tried hard to model eating “healthy” and making “good choices” to my kids. Again, shaming food and diet sends a very loud and clear message. Avoiding foods / food groups is noticed. I think back to when I tried Paleo because I was told it was THE way to eat. I never did it for weight loss BUT modeling limiting certain foods because they were deemed “bad” sent such a backwards message. Health is not a moral obligation or even a choice, at times.
Is Too Much a Good Thing?
Let’s talk about exercise. I am NOT anti-exercise. Moving my body to music that elevates my mood has been a saving grace for me for as long as I can remember. I have, however, gotten caught up in doing exercise for the wrong reasons. The messages like “you never regret a workout”, “never miss a Monday”, “just do it” and so many more can be detrimental messages in the home. Modeling movement that’s JOYFUL and feels good is so important but engaging in hours of daily exercise, not taking rest days, pushing movement on kids and saying things like “I need to work off that dessert” again, sends a harmful message. Our kids are watching us.
What If I Did All These Things?
You are not alone. The quote that has gotten me through the past 2 years is “When we know better, we do better”. Being aware and making changes is the first step. Taking a close look at your child’s relationship with food and exercise, and also your own! NO child/teen should be engaging in any type of diets (unless medically necessary). Keeping the focus on what feels good instead of what “is” good.
Today can be the first day to implement these changes!
It is important to note that eating disorders are HIGHLY genetic and they are biologically brain based diseases. So, even the BEST parent who does EVERYTHING right (we all know this does not exist!) their child can still develop an eating disorder. I like the quote “Biology loads the gun, environment pulls the trigger”
“Biology loads the gun, environment pulls the trigger”
If you are concerned that your loved one may be struggling with an eating disorder, learn about some early warning signs in my post “5 Early Warning Sign of An Eating Disorder”
Check out this story I wrote for F.E.A.S.T. website about how I had to transition away from the concept of “healthy”. We Only Eat Healthy Foods in Our House.
